Afraid that the addiction would overcome me, instead of the other way around.
Afraid that I'd gain what I lost.
Afraid I would lose what I gained.
That I wouldn't listen to myself.
That there were people listening to me.
That if I struggled, and shared that struggle, people would judge me.
That if I didn't share my struggle, I would be dishonest with others - and with myself.
That I would end up in a jail of my own creation.
That I don't have what I takes.
To beat addiction.
To stay focused.
To create beautiful things.
To build a career.
To maintain my strength.
To maintain my health, in tandem with any of those other things that I was afraid I couldn't do.
Yesterday I was full of fear.
Today I am breathing.
The big picture is terrifying. But I need not look directly at it, searing my eyes like the sun. I have to remember that each small step draws me closer. All I need to do is keep my eyes on each small step. And breathe.
Share your truth and keep breathing.
Be mindful and keep breathing.
Gather yourself and keep breathing.
Put pen to paper and keep breathing.
Get active and keep breathing.
Be still and keep breathing.
Forgive yourself and keep breathing.
I just tried art journaling for the first time. I'm not an artist, but I am a recovering perfectionist. I remind myself that it does not have to be perfect. It just has to be true.
Food log, Tuesday September 20
Breakfast - Slice of whole grain bread with 1/2 peach and 2 tb fat free ricotta mixed with 1/4 tsp sugar-free almond syrup. 1 boiled egg.
Morning snack - 16 oz pressed vegetable juice.
Late lunch - at a combination restaurant/movie theater. 3 mini roasted portobello sliders with about a cup of chips. Ginger chicken fresh spring roll in rice paper. Peanut butter mousse.
Dinner - I didn't eat it.
Beverages - 64 oz water.
Food log, Wednesday September 21
Breakfast - at a buffet restaurant. Egg Beaters omelet with mushrooms and cheese. 1/2 slice french toast with tsp syrup. 1 chicken sausage. 1/2 cup hash browns. 1/2 cup apple salad. Two pieces of pineapple. Mini bagel with 2 oz salmon, 2 tomato slices, and tsp cream cheese.
Lunch - at a restaurant. Seared ahi tuna chopped salad with cabbage and champagne vinaigrette. Side order of corn bread with tb maple butter.
Snack - I bought a very large box of coconut candy. I ate two pieces, and, disgusted with myself, threw the rest away.
Dinner - at a mini golf course. Small turkey sandwich with lettuce and tomato.
Beverages - 4 ounces coconut water with pomegranate and acai, 8 ounces skim milk, 64 ounces water
It's not perfect, but it's true.
Take care of you.
Love the art!
ReplyDeleteSo much wisdom in avoiding the Big Picture. It's bad enough knowing it's there.
I have been far from perfect this week to, but am staying honest to myself and others. That is why I switched to the photo weigh in, so I keep myself honest.
ReplyDeleteKeep breathing is a great centering mantra this week. I should try it.
I know you won't give up and you won't give in, you'll take care of you for life. Keep going!
ReplyDeleteJenny O
Be not afraid. Be peaceful and patient. It is a long road but you are half way there! Prayers are always with you!
ReplyDeleteChris
I love the idea of journaling and doodling, but I get so handicapped at actually doing it, worrying that I will do something dumb and ruin the pretty journal/notebook. At an art fair this weekend I was talking with an artist who makes journals and she has the same fear! I thought it was just me. Her suggestion is to not start on the first page, skip ahead a few and it alleviates the pressure of making that first page perfect. You seem off to a great start, but wanted to share what clicked with me. Now to break out my notebook and fill it with my thoughts, fears and doodles.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for the fear of the big picture, work on breaking it into smaller chunks that have an achievable goal/resolution. When I have big things that overwhelm me, I break the tasks down into the smaller milestones so that I see progress and success. Not that I follow this all the time, but it helps when I do.
You're doing a great job working to find a balance for everything and I will love you no matter what and I am proud of all that you are conquering- it is very inspiring!
I love that word art! Especially what you wrote. Your attitude is wonderful and I'm glad that you're taking each breath as it comes.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this.
ReplyDeleteI tell myself that it's okay to be afraid, but it is not okay to give up. :) Your word art is really cool!
ReplyDelete