A no-plateau Weigh-in Tuesday! Plus a "burning question" about being fat and fit.

This morning, I'd like to start with a little good news.  I have officially beaten my plateau.  This week I lost three pounds (including the two pounds I had gained, plus an additional pound) which brings my loss to 60 pounds!  I started at 366, and I'm at 306 today. I take a progress photo every 20 pounds, so I'm due for another one now.

It feels great to know that I've made it past the stalling.  The surgery and ensuing rest period has been a bummer, but I've done well with food this week, and I was able to take walks and to work out at Slimmons.  Soon I'll be able to get back in a pool, and I'm incredibly excited about this. I didn't realize just how much swimming meant to me until I wasn't allowed to do it.  I feel energized to hit the full week of workouts, and happy to know that my next mini-goal is only six pounds away!  That's right... seven more pounds (less, actually) and I will be under 300... for the first time in probably nine years.  To most people, I realize that 299 sounds like a lot.  It is.  I'll still be morbidly obese, with quite a few mini-goals until I reach plain-ol' ordinary obese.

The question of weight categories brings to mind an article I read in the July/August issue of Health Magazine.  Their pro/con column, "The Burning Question," asked "Can you be fit and fat?"  Two different doctor-professors weighed in on the matter, one on the side that overweight people who are active have half the risk of mortality of normal-weight people who don't exercise at all. (He makes the case that it only applies to overweight people, not the obese.)  The other doc-prof says no; exercise isn't enough - you must also watch what you eat.  Well, duh.  I watch what I eat.  I exercise and am in reasonably good shape.  But am I healthy?  I guess that's the question.

Seems to me like they were replying - though not directly referring - to the movement known as "Health At Every Size" (or HAES) - which I was first introduced to through the Fat Acceptance movement.  There are three main precepts to HAES:

1. Self-Acceptance: Affirmation and reinforcement of human beauty and worth irrespective of differences in weight, physical size and shape.
2. Physical Activity: Support for increasing social, pleasure-based movement for enjoyment and enhanced quality of life.
3. Normalized Eating: Support for discarding externally-imposed rules and regimens for eating and attaining a more peaceful relationship with food by relearning to eat in response to physiological hunger and fullness cues

I feel like I really address all three of these.

I accept who I am - I know where I've been, what actions I've taken in the past and presently.  I know how I got to this weight.  I still see my beauty and worth at this weight - and my weekly Fashion Friday posts are an effort to highlight that for myself, for the times it's harder to remember.

I am active.  It sometimes goes beyond social, pleasure-based movement, because even if I am not specifically enjoying the exercise (as is sometimes the case) the pleasure I feel after a workout, and the energy it gives me for other things, definitely enhances the quality of my life.

I work very hard at normalized eating.  In the past, I have had difficulties with moderation, and with behavioral/emotional eating.  In fact, that's not in the past.  I think it's likely I will have those difficulties all my life, but the difference between my behavior now and my behavior before is that I am up-front with myself about those struggles.  Instead of avoiding discussion about food choices, I seek it out.  I lay out plans to help avoid the less-healthy choices I make when I'm tired, bored, or simply don't have a road map for my food.  Plus, the KIND of food I eat matters.  I'm eating lots of vegetables, fruit, and whole grains, plus lean protein and healthy fats.  I don't eat out much, and I don't eat fast food at all.  I do count calories, which is not something recommended by HAES - but I don't punish myself for over or underconsumption if I'm hungry or full.  It's merely a tool I use to keep my behavioral eating in check.  It never fails - after a couple of days of not recording calories, and I begin to slip into behavioral patterns again.  It's all about being mindful, and calorie-counting helps me do that.

When it comes to Health's "Burning Question," I think I have a better answer than either doc/prof:  each body is different.  It's ridiculous to generalize.  We don't need generalizations from magazines.  We need to work directly with our medical teams to find out the specific ways we can improve our health.  I do that - so there's a good chance I'd live longer than some average-weight fella who doesn't exercise and eats fast food all day.  Or, who knows, maybe I'll get hit by a bus.  So it's not just about the length of a life, it's about the quality of that life.  The point is that I know I'm worth taking care of - and I'm taking care of myself as best as I can.  And I hope that you will do that for yourself, too.

On shame, and self-worth

One of my very favorite podcasts is KCRW's Good Food, a weekly show that runs the gamut - from what's seasonal at the farmer's market, to area restaurant reviews, to interesting features about the culture, science, and politics of food.  I was catching up on some older episodes yesterday when I came upon Slate writer Christy Harrison's account of her Hive topic.

Hive is a Slate discussion forum in which readers are invited to offer solutions to wide-ranging problems.  Harrison's topic was Childhood Obesity.  When host Evan Kleiman asked about extreme proposals, this is what Harrison reported:

"We saw quite a few responses that talked about how kids needed to be shamed into being healthier and feel stigmatized for being overweight if we were ever going to have hope to make them lose weight we needed to make them feel bad about themselves."

 I'm going to venture a guess that those responses were from people who have never struggled with disordered eating, depression, or obesity.

There's plenty of information out there about how size is not a valid indicator of health.  Take me, for instance.  Someone who doesn't know me could look at me and assume that I'm due for a heart attack.  But compare my blood pressure with, I dunno, anyone outside of a serious athlete, and mine will probably be healthier.

I don't really want to talk about my physical health, though.  I want to talk about my mental health.  I want to talk about what shame did for me.

Before I became active this year, I was filled with shame.  Every time we'd walk with friends, or we'd be invited on a hike with family, I would be humiliated that I couldn't keep up.  Or humiliated that I was puffing.  So I'd elect not to walk with them.  I'd elect not to walk at all.

Whenever anyone would comment on what I ate - "wow, that looks... filling..."  "you shouldn't be eating that cupcake..." etc.  I felt so much self-loathing.  Anger at myself, and a LOT of anger at whoever was judging me.  After all, much of the time, I ate just fine.  I maintained weight for several years, with a gradual uptick.  Some of the time I didn't eat well.  But I doubt you ever saw me.  Because I was so ashamed of it, I did it when I was alone.  And the more anyone tried to make me feel shameful about it, the more I'd eat - in private -  as a reaction.

Shame, for me, was not a motivator.  It was the anti-motivator.  It made everything that much worse.

It was not until I went to therapy, and worked on everything surrounding my disordered eating and lack of exercise, that I was able to work on that issue, too.  It wasn't until I found the Fat Acceptance community, and realized that I deserved respect no matter what I looked like, that I was ready to respect myself.  It was not until I felt worthy of taking care of myself that I was ready to make the changes in my life that have made me stronger, more nourished, more balanced.

I'm not an Oprah watcher, but I caught her last show yesterday. (I'm a sucker for finales.)  She said something that rang so very true to me:

"There's a common thread that runs through all of our pain and all of our suffering, and that is unworthiness.  Not feeling worthy enough to own the life you are created for.  ...  You're worthy because you are born and because you are here. Your being here, your being alive makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough."

Shaming the overweight and the obese only creates pain and suffering for them.  If you want to change others' lives, try helping them to feel worthy enough to take care of themselves, in all possible ways.

OK. I'll step down off my soapbox.  I AM curious to hear your thoughts on how to help children be healthier, though, so let me know if you have any ideas.

I'll leave you with my last food log this time around...

Wednesday, May 25 - 1392 calories

Breakfast - 1/2 cup fat free Greek yogurt, 1/2 cup rhubarb sauce, 1/2 cup honey oat cereal, 1 egg

Lunch - 1 artichoke, 1.5 tsp lemon-butter, 3 oz scallops, 1 tsp cocktail sauce, corn sandwich (1/2 cup corn, Kraft single, 2 slices low cal whole wheat), 2 apricots

Afternoon snack - 2 oz sourdough, 1 oz goat cheese

Dinner - 2 cups tomato-cucumber salad, 1 veggie burger sandwich (2 slices light whole wheat, veggie burger patty, 5 pickle chips, 1 wedge Laughing Cow, 1 tsp veganaise) 1 peach, 1/2 cup raspberries

Beverages - 32 oz water

...and then, on recommendation from Oprah to remind you how I feel about you:

"I see you.  I hear you.  And what you say matters to me." 

So take care of you - today and every day.

I've looked at body politics from both sides now...

I find myself a little blue today.

It's not because we didn't have a nice day yesterday.  In fact, we had a lovely evening, though I managed to forget to take a picture of the new blouse. Dinner was delicious - the best corned beef I've ever tried.  (Yes, I can eat corned beef if I choose to. I can eat anything I choose to... it's just that I choose to eat it in moderation.)  Our friends' home, which we've never visited before, is stylish and right up our alley, with the most beautiful yard.

Last year, when Tom and I were frequenting estate sales, we fell in love with a house.  Actually, not the house at all.  The yard.  We both keep thinking back to it, and now we know what we're looking for once we're in the market.  But we're not in the market now.  We're in a condo, and we're not in a position to move in the nearfuture.  All we can do is keep thinking of that house, and keep moving forward to develop our writing career.  And not be blue about how we can't host lovely parties in a yard.  We can host lovely parties in a small combination kitchen/dining room/living room.  Sigh.

Speaking of writing, we had an excellent brainstorm yesterday, which felt good.  I also shared the plot of the Modern Family spec script we're currently finishing, with a friend who is a fan of the show.  I think our friend liked our ideas, and we're going to share the script with him once our draft is finished.  We have one more act, and editing, and then we'll be done.  By the way, are there any other Modern Family fans out there?  Just curious.

One other reason I might be a tad blue is because I did something I knew I shouldn't.  No, it wasn't food or exercise related.  It wasn't even related to my to-do list.  I read some comments on a Fat Acceptance blog.  I knew I shouldn't have.  But I did.

For those of you outside of the world of body politics, Fat Acceptance (FA) is a movement which promotes the rights of those who are overweight.  There was a time when I was somewhat active in the movement, and to be clear, I still support it.  People should have equal rights, regardless of size, race, creed, or orientation.  People should have the right to eat what they want to eat, to be active as much as they want to be active.  And people should not be so quick to assume someone who is overweight doesn't eat well, doesn't exercise, and doesn't feel ashamed of herself.

I remember a previous time in my life, when I would feel sad after reading comments on an FA blog because of the trolls who would pop in to tell us how disgusting we all were.  And those trolls are still at it, for sure, but that wasn't why I was sad.  Yesterday, I read some FA supporters making negative comments about weight loss, to a post about Weight Watchers, Jennifer Hudson, and the use of the song "Feeling Good."

The post in question was written by a very, very smart woman named Lesley Kinzel, who I knew casually when I was a member of the Fatshionista community - a body-positive group that used fashion as a tool for politics.  The post is thoughtful, and places the song in context.  I agree that without the context, it loses its power.  What I disagree with is equating weight loss with assimilation.  I disagree with some of the commenters, who say things like "dieting is usually about making a concession to oppression, not overcoming it."

Do I think that some people lose weight because they are made to feel ashamed, and want to fit in?  Certainly.  Do I think that many people diet to punish themselves?  Yes.  And I really, really wish I could help them.

But here's the thing: There are also people who have been overweight or obese, who have lost weight, who aren't punishing themselves.  Who aren't assimilating.  And I am one of them.

It's my opinion that to use language about weight loss with a negative slant ("assimilation," "opression," etc) is to disregard the people who have suffered from disordered eating, from health problems, from behavioral issues - who are working to correct them.  And disregarding them is just as dangerous as disregarding that there are fat people who are perfectly happy, comfortable, and healthy.  I was one of those people.  And then I wasn't.

I had health problems.  I realized behavioral issues.  And then I watched my very sick mother struggle during her last years, and struggle worse than she would have if she hadn't already been obese before she became got sick.  Would she have still died if she wasn't obese?  Quite probably.  But would the weight-related pain, and the physical suffering she experienced, have happened if she had addressed her behavioral issues and disordered eating?  Quite probably.

Here's the thing.  I'm going to die someday.  You are, too.  We all are.  And I could have kept on with the way I was living before, and possibly met significant struggle if chronic or terminal illness befell me.  Or I could confront my behavioral demons head-on, so that when illness finally finds its way to my body, I'm as prepared as possible to fight it.  I watched what 500 pounds did to my mother.  I watched what 500 pounds meant for my father, who had to take care of her.  I do not want that for Tom.  I do not want that for me.  And unless I changed my habits, like I did this year, I was on that path.

So I changed my habits.  And I exercise every day.  And I limit my calories.  But I never feel hungry.  I eat wholesome, healthy, fresh food - prepared in thoughtful and delicious ways.  I don't feel punished, I feel spoiled.

For me, it isn't assimilation.  It's not even life extension, because who knows how long we'll live anyway?  It's suffering prevention.  It's behavioral healing.  It's self-love. 

I'll crib from Joni Mitchell and say that I've looked at body politics from both sides now.  I really don't know body politics at all.