Afraid that the addiction would overcome me, instead of the other way around.
Afraid that I'd gain what I lost.
Afraid I would lose what I gained.
That I wouldn't listen to myself.
That there were people listening to me.
That if I struggled, and shared that struggle, people would judge me.
That if I didn't share my struggle, I would be dishonest with others - and with myself.
That I would end up in a jail of my own creation.
That I don't have what I takes.
To beat addiction.
To stay focused.
To create beautiful things.
To build a career.
To maintain my strength.
To maintain my health, in tandem with any of those other things that I was afraid I couldn't do.
Yesterday I was full of fear.
Today I am breathing.
The big picture is terrifying. But I need not look directly at it, searing my eyes like the sun. I have to remember that each small step draws me closer. All I need to do is keep my eyes on each small step. And breathe.
Share your truth and keep breathing.
Be mindful and keep breathing.
Gather yourself and keep breathing.
Put pen to paper and keep breathing.
Get active and keep breathing.
Be still and keep breathing.
Forgive yourself and keep breathing.
I just tried art journaling for the first time. I'm not an artist, but I am a recovering perfectionist. I remind myself that it does not have to be perfect. It just has to be true.
Food log, Tuesday September 20
Breakfast - Slice of whole grain bread with 1/2 peach and 2 tb fat free ricotta mixed with 1/4 tsp sugar-free almond syrup. 1 boiled egg.
Morning snack - 16 oz pressed vegetable juice.
Late lunch - at a combination restaurant/movie theater. 3 mini roasted portobello sliders with about a cup of chips. Ginger chicken fresh spring roll in rice paper. Peanut butter mousse.
Dinner - I didn't eat it.
Beverages - 64 oz water.
Food log, Wednesday September 21
Breakfast - at a buffet restaurant. Egg Beaters omelet with mushrooms and cheese. 1/2 slice french toast with tsp syrup. 1 chicken sausage. 1/2 cup hash browns. 1/2 cup apple salad. Two pieces of pineapple. Mini bagel with 2 oz salmon, 2 tomato slices, and tsp cream cheese.
Lunch - at a restaurant. Seared ahi tuna chopped salad with cabbage and champagne vinaigrette. Side order of corn bread with tb maple butter.
Snack - I bought a very large box of coconut candy. I ate two pieces, and, disgusted with myself, threw the rest away.
Dinner - at a mini golf course. Small turkey sandwich with lettuce and tomato.
Beverages - 4 ounces coconut water with pomegranate and acai, 8 ounces skim milk, 64 ounces water
It's not perfect, but it's true.
Take care of you.
