At long last, Weigh-In Tuesday

It's Weigh-In Tuesday - or WIT, if you will - and I don't feel like I have any good wit to offer today.  But here I am, for the second consecutive day, writing anyway.

Now that it's day 2 of my TV fast, I'm beginning to run out of cleaning projects, so I'm going to have to get more creative.  This is exactly what the fast is designed to do - drag me kicking and screaming from my stasis.  But it's mental fists a-flyin' while I try to punch my way out of my rut.

Wanna guess what else is in a rut?   The scale.  The holiday season was tough, but I thought I got through it OK.  When I hopped back on the scale upon my return, it was up ten pounds from before I left.  That is a terrifying feeling - knowing how hard you've worked to move in one direction, and how long it took.  And seeing it reverse in a matter of days.  I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I didn't like it.

I've lost about four pounds since that weigh-in.  My progress is compounded, I'm sure, by the lack of exercise.  As I've mentioned before, I've haven't been exercising (flu, depression, flu, simultaneous surgery recovery and depression) all year with the exception of one week between the first depression and the second flu.  And I am STILL not healed enough to work out today.  It's really bugging me that it's taking so long.

Food hasn't been ideal, either.  Not terrible, but not mindful.  It's been a little too erratic -- waiting too long to eat and getting too hungry, for instance.  I'd indulge in a craving moderately, but indulge another craving the next day.  That adds up.  So although I'm down from where I was at the beginning of the year, I feel frustrated with myself.  And when I feel frustrated with myself, I talk shit about myself.

Hell, I talk shit about myself even when I feel good.  An example.  This Christmas, I had a blast playing Just Dance III with my nieces and nephews.  It was great to get moving after holiday meals, and dancing is such a playful way to connect with family.  I was kicking butt (I am seriously good at it) and after awhile, I got warm and wanted to remove my jacket.  But it meant that I'd be shaking my arms to the beat, and I know what that looks like in the mirror... I spent three days a week at Slimmons last year, watching my arms jiggle in the mirror.  And as I lost progressively more weight, the jiggling didn't get better... it got worse.  You see "before/after" pictures everywhere you turn (lately even on billboards) but you don't hear so much about the challenges of skin and sagging.  Which, with 70(-minus-twelve) pounds lost, are now my challenges.  So, as I took off my jacket, I tried to make a joke about it.  "OK, everybody.  Flying squirrel alert!"  I got some puzzled looks, so I explained that my upper arms sag, that if I jumped, I could fly like a flying squirrel.  I expect laughs.  All I got was some firm eye contact from my niece M, who pointedly asked me to cut out the negative self-talk. So wise for a thirteen-year-old.

It hit me hard.  It's true... sometimes I make jokes about myself, and it's one way I can make light of life when it's challenging.  But it's also one way I can tear myself down.  And I need to stop tearing myself down.

That's why, this week, I'm working on building myself up.  Turning off the TV and the phone.  Cooking and savoring healthy and nourishing meals. Writing, on the blog and for my portfolio. Centering. Generally turning on the creative juices.  Or trying to summon them, at least.  I still feel stifled and just plain off... but less so than last week. Little steps are still progress.

The best I've felt so far was last night, when - after a long day of laundry and showtunes - I decided to decorate a pretty shelf we mounted last fall.  I loaded it up with my Disneyland collection.  It was a creative act, and a little out of my ordinary, and it felt... satisfying. 

Thanks again, Dad, for helping us mount the shelf.

Annotated version, for the nerds.

I hope you will you do something that satisfies you today.  Something that helps you take care of you.

Media Monday, Oscar 2012 Edition

OK, OK.  I said I'd "be back tomorrow" a week ago, and then I disappeared into the ether again.  But I was thinking about you, my readers, my friends, my family.  I was.

My computer finally came back from the shop, and we seem to be OK for the moment.  We being my computer (which is functioning enough to post this blog) and myself.  I've been battling depression lately. (Always? No, not always. But lately.)  It's been hard to even send a text-mesage, let alone an email, let alone a full blog.  The challenge of chemical depression is that sometimes there isn't a great reason to be blue, but you're indigo and cornflower and cerulean all the same.

When I'm in such a rut, I refer back to a phrase we say commonly in our home, that I "need to fill my well."  I first learned the phrase from my mother, referring to the general ennui and emotional exhaustion when one isn't taking care of oneself (or from taking care of others and not receiving care in return.)  Tom first learned the phrase in an artistic context, from Julia Cameron - author of The Artist's Way, a favorite book of ours.  It's the same basic concept - you're running dry of resources - but in the realm of creativity, it's about needing a steady input of inspiration before you can create a steady outflow of creation.  I find that when my well is running low in one way, it's also running low the other way. 

I put myself in a dearth of self-care and inspiration.  And when I do it, I often half-heartedly attempt to fill my well.  Oh, I'll watch some dumb TV.  Oh, I'll play some silly mobile game.  Oh, I'll watch something clever but only give it part of my attention.  Instead of well-filling, it becomes further well-draining.  To truly turn myself around, I have to be conscious and mindful -- not only about my self-care, but about the creative inspiration too.

And almost never am I more mindful about entertainment than while watching the Oscar-nominated films.  Ten of which I watched this weekend! It felt good to get out and spend time with friends while watching the Oscar-nominated short films (an outing I mentioned in last week's Media Monday post.) 

The films are still playing at the NuArt in West LA.
Photo courtesy of Rochelle

It was a pretty good batch this year!  I found something to appreciate about each of the films, which is perhaps the first time that has happened.  Often in the past, we've joked that the live action films are 80% cancer- or holocaust-themed (and nearly 100% of the time, a cancer- or holocaust-themed short wins.)  But this year, I was surprised to find that none of the films were malignant or swastika-ed . The one film that included illness didn't focus on the main character being sick, but on the eccentric hobbies he indulged in during his illness.)

Of the live-action films, I am torn between several, but I probably land on "The Shore" as my favorite.

When it comes to the animated films - which I tend to prefer - I'm fond of many of the nominees, but one definitely stood out.  I highly recommend "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore," a fanciful and elegant love letter to the warmth and soul-satisfaction of books.  The short brought my bibliophile friends and loved ones to mind - Rena and Audra chief among them.  The two of them ought to see it... and so should you.  And, luckily, you can -- it's available on iTunes for FREE!

A still from the film, as Mr. Lessmore enters the library for the first time.

We're big Oscar-watchers here, and as of last weekend, we've seen all 9 of the best picture nominees, all but 2 of the acting nominees, and all but 2 of the writing nominees.  Here are my picks for the winners (of the categories that matter most to me) as well as who I'd vote for, were I voting.

Best Picture
Who I think will win: The Artist
Who I'd vote for: The Artist.  I loved it.  My favorite film of the year (and my favorites are not always nominated.)

Best Director
Who I think will win: Hazanavicius for The Artist.
Who I'd vote for: Hazanavicius for The Artist.

Best Actor
Who I think will win: Jean Dujardin
Who I'd vote for: Jean Dujardin

Best Actress
Who I think will win: Viola Davis
Who I'd vote for: Viola Davis

Best Supporting Actor
Who I think will win: Christopher Plummer
Who I'd vote for: Christopher Plummer. I just saw - and LOVED - Beginners.

Best Supporting Actress
Who I think will win: Octavia Spencer
Who I'd vote for: Honestly... this is the strongest category I've ever seen.  I have a deep appreciation of every one of these performances, and I'd be perfectly happy if any of them won.  If pushed, I'd vote for Spencer.

Screenwriting, Adapted
Who I think will win: The Descendents
Who I'd vote for: Hugo, but The Descendents was also strong.

Screenwriting, Original
Who I think will win: The Artist
Who I'd vote for: The Artist, but I loved Midnight in Paris, too.

Best Song
Who I think will win: It had BETTER be "Man Or Muppet."
Who I'd vote for: I've been declaring it publicly since the day the film opened: "Man Or Muppet" needs to win the Oscar.

Best Score
Who I think will win: The Artist
Who I'd vote for: The Artist

I usually care a great deal about animation, but we couldn't see 2 of the nominees this year, so I'm not going to weigh in with a guess or a vote.

Wow!  There's usually far fewer categories where I'd vote for my predicted winner. 

It's funny to me how long this post became.  Because it's about entertainment... and as of this morning, I'm on a self-imposed entertainment diet.  I put a moratorium on passive entertainment, for one week.  As I described earlier in this post, my well-filling has been half-hearted, and I've too easily leaned on passive entertainment to distract me from self-care or active creation.  So this week, I will not be watching TV or movies, nor playing games that aren't social with someone in person.  I've tried this a few times in my life (while I was reading The Artist's Way - though Cameron's recommendation is for no reading.  Reading is not my particular vice.)

During this week, I plan to create my own entertainment.  I'll write, I'll blog, I'll photograph.  I'll clean, I'll organize, I'll call a friend.  I'll stop zoning out, and start tuning in to my surroundings.  It will give me the freedom to focus on self-care... which I'll share more about tomorrow.  Really, for-real, tomorrow.  Because I have no excuses - entertaining you will be my way of entertaining me.  That or braiding my cat's fur.  I don't know how crazy I'll be after several days without watching anything.  My hope is that when I finally turn that TV back on - for the Oscar ceremony - it'll be well-filling instead of creativity-crushing. 

I'm off to take care of me, with a prompt bedtime and some calming music. I hope that you will come back to visit here tomorrow, and that in the meanwhile, you will take care of you, too.

On Weigh-In Tuesday, weighing in on Cleveland's obese foster child

I'm weighing in today, with the number on the scale, and with my opinions.  Specifically, my opinions about what makes weight loss harder, what makes it easier, and how my experiences relate to the case of Cleveland's obese foster child.

First: Hormones & The Long Haul
When I hopped on the scale last Tuesday, I was up.  By a pound.  Again.  I hadn't eaten terribly, but I still wasn't logging what I ate, and my exercise had slowed a bit.  It's very frustrating to confront my challenges again and again and again.  I try to remember that this is a life-long journey, not a race. I remind myself that so long as I'm committed to taking care of me, speed does not matter - only persistence.  It's hard not to feel frustrated.

Aware of my frustration, my mother-in-law recently pointed me to an article in the LA Times.  Apparently, a medical study found that "subjects who shed weight on a low-calorie diet were hungrier than when they started and had higher levels of hormones that tell the body to eat more, conserve energy and store away fuel as fat."  Even a year later, the subjects' appetite hormones hadn't returned to normal.  The good news is that perhaps the study will help scientists find a way to help those who've lost weight maintain their loss.  The bad news is that until then, those of us who are struggling to maintain or lose more after an initial loss... we just have to fight what our bodies are telling us, keep active, and stay on our journey as best as we can.

Second: The Team Approach
Tom's been home since last Wednesday night - for Thanksgiving plus a week of work hiatus (he goes back next Monday - and I'm reminded what a difference it makes being one of a team on this journey.  While he's working, we're still a great team... but I'm alone in making our dinners, planning our menus, doing our grocery shopping, cooking for myself.  I go to the gym alone.  To Slimmons alone.  (I see dear friends there, but it's not the same as arriving with my best friend.)  And since I'm a freelance writer, I work at home alone.

But since Wednesday, it's been much easier to do everything I was struggling to do.  We've cooked together.  We've exercised together.  We planned our meals and grocery-shopped and discussed our plans.  We've also done a lot of work together.  It supports the very first thing that Richard Simmons ever said to Tom and I.  He said, "you have to do this together, or it doesn't work."

Together with Tom, I was able to come back down a pound - even on Thanksgiving week.  Soon I hope to be back to my 70 total lost, and move on from there.  But I have to be patient with myself, and I have to be pretty vigilant, thanks to hormones that are constantly telling me I'm hungry.  I never used to feel this way.

On the Cleveland Situation
Perhaps you haven't heard yet, but there's a debate swirling around a Cleveland social worker's decision to remove a child from his parents' custody because he was obese.  The child was an honor student and involved in activities at his school, but he is now staying with foster parents.

Apparently, the state worker was trying to work with the parents, but claims that they weren't following doctors' orders.  The parents dispute that claim, that they bought him a bicycle and were working with him. 

The Cleveland Plain Dealer article includes this quote from the mother:  "Of course I love him. Of course I want him to lose weight. It's a lifestyle change, and they are trying to make it seem like I am not embracing that."

The article also states that the mother is overweight herself, and that when she "found out that other kids and a sibling might be giving her son extra food, she tried to put a stop to it."

It sounds to me like the family was torn.  I don't know the specifics of the situation aside from the story, but all I can think about is how the Team Approach helps everything.  And if a sibling - or a struggling mother - isn't doing everything they can to help their loved one (or worse, actively sabotaging them), then it's going to be that much harder for their loved one to succeed. 

One other quote from the article stuck out to me - it flashed like a blinking red light.  "Last year, the boy lost weight but in recent months began to gain it back rapidly." 

It sounds to me like the foster child from Cleveland - like the scientific study suggests - has his appetite hormones out of whack after a weight loss.  It's hard for me to control myself in this situation as an adult.  How much harder would it be for an eight-year-old?  Without his parents?  Without his friends, in a new school, with life upside-down?  I know how my eight-year-old self would have handled it. Hell, I know how my twenty-eight-year-old self would have handled it.  I'd eat.

Is it sad that an eight-year-old is over 200 pounds, and suffers from sleep apnea?  Certainly.  Does it need to be addressed?  Yes.  Are the parents responsible?  Absolutely, to the extent that they are able to control their son.

But does the child need to be removed from their custody?  I'd say no.

While he's in danger for future comorbidities from obesity, he only has apnea, and has been treated for it.  While a parent can encourage and schedule healthy eating and exercise, there is nothing they can do to stop their child from, say, buying crap at school.  Stopping at a convenience store on the way home.  Swapping their healthy apple for processed junk from friends.  I cite these three examples because they are, in fact, things I did as an overweight child.  I remember that our cafeterias had some good salads... but candy, sugary sodas and fresh-baked cookies (3 for a dollar!) were sold at our high school store. Other kids didn't have a problem resisting them... but I did.  I know there were others like me, too. 

So, what can we do?  How can we help this generation of children get healthy, and stay healthy?

For starters, while this branch of the government is removing obese children from their parents, other branches are approving french fries and pizza as vegetables.  (Not even veggie pizza, people.  Any pizza with tomato paste - a tiny fraction of what goes into a pizza's calories.)  It's Regan and ketchup all over again.  Nobody's banning food advertisements.  How many late-night tacos were born of TV commercial taunting?  Who, as a kid, didn't want to go to McDonald's to get the latest toy?  Why are we still allowing it to happen?

The answers lie even beyond the ridiculousness of school cafeterias food and marketing.  But they're not easily addressed.

It would help if there wasn't such a stigma attached to being overweight.  Shame is often a chief reason for overeating - a vicious circle I was trapped in for years.

It would help if there wasn't such a stigma around therapy.  Everyone can use guidance.  Nobody is "normal."  And it's the very thing that helped me begin to address my health.

It would help if sports - especially competitive sports - weren't jammed down every kid's throat.  I have no hand-eye coordination.  I wasn't strong.  And I was scared of every ball ever thrown at me in gym class.  I was never taught to kick the kickball.  I was tossed aside on the no-cut basketball team.  And I was forever losing every race.  The lack of positive reinforcement from teachers taught me to hate gym class.  The negative taunting from my classmates taught me to fear exercise.  So, for a long time, I didn't do it.  I didn't realize that the dancing I loved as a kid could be good exercise as an adult.  I didn't know that the swimming that made me so happy on vacation could make my every pool workout feel like a vacation.  Not every kid is a softball star... and not every kid wants to be.  Maybe parents (maybe even schools) should consider an activity program for those kids who are averse to sports.

It would help if parents who struggled with disordered eating would do everything they could to address their own habits before passing them along to their children.  And that, my friends, is what I'm doing right now.

To the kiddo from Cleveland:  I hope you find your way back to your family, and that they can be a united team to help support you.  And I hope that they, along with the others around you, can help you to learn to take good care of yourself.

And everybody reading this:  I hope that you're taking good care of you, too. 

Week in a day.

Between vacation recovery, freelance work and... I dunno, sometimes I feel kind of hermit-y... I didn't blog at all last week.  But it's never too late to do anything. So, I present:

WEEK IN A DAY.

Media Monday:
Countdown to the Muppets is hitting single-digits.

Is anyone else tired of Fake Amy Sedaris as the spokesperson holiday-shopper for Target? (I'd never be sick of Real Amy Sedaris.)

I'm not embarrassed to say that I looked forward to Twilight. Not because I particularly like the series, but because Tom and I enjoy a good ironic watching... plus, it's our tradition to watch the fans freak out. 


Weigh-in Tuesday: 
I was down 2 pounds last week.  Between very good exercising and cooking for myself, I have felt like taking care of myself.  But after the weigh-in, the week felt like a harder fight.  More on that soon.  In other news, I just read another weight loss blogger comment upon her "before" pictures.  She called herself disgusting.  I'd like to say to my before pictures: thanks, baby.  You are strong, and you're starting out on a journey that is neither easy nor short-term.  And you don't deserve any negative self-talk, any more than I do.  (We are actually the same person.)


Adventure Wednesday:
Had a wonderful time celebrating my anniversary with Tom.  He took me to dinner at The Little Door.  The space was beautifully designed, the food was creatively cooked, and the celebrity-spotting was amusing, what with Ricky Schroeder (yes, Silver Spoons Ricky Schroeder) seated around the corner from us at the bar as we awaited our table.  Our weekend writing retreat was fun and productive, and the plot is really taking shape.


Themeless Thursday:
I finally caught the weight loss documentary, Fat Sick and Nearly Dead.  I'd been putting it off, because I was a little nervous that the film - which advocates juice fasting - would convince me that I should try to lose my weight rapidly, as do the subjects of the film. 

As it turns out, it didn't convince me of that, because my own convictions and experiences with weight loss and motivation were strong enough to feel secure in my own path.  I think the juice fast might be very helpful to 'reset' the palates of people who eat a lot of junk food and very little produce.  I, however, eat a lot of produce, and have not eaten junk food in... wow, I just realized.  In a week, it'll be 11 MONTHS since I've had fast food.  And I don't purchase processed junk food, and try to limit processed non-junk food. 

The side effects of rapid weight loss - like mental disconnection and hair loss, both of which I've already experienced at my relatively slow pace - makes me think that if I tried to lose weight any faster, I'd make myself incredibly sick.  So my goal is to continue on the path I've already plotted out... but with the possible addition of a home juicer, so I can add some additional veggie nutrients to my daily intake.  I really do enjoy it, and my body seems to respond well, too.

I don't own a machine yet, but I do pick up the occasional serving of freshly-pressed
veggie juice as a treat.  Isn't my carrot-ginger juice vivid and pretty?

Fashion Friday
I tried my AdoraOm outfit in action for the first time, while working out at Slimmons.  The pants were possibly the most comfortable ones I've ever worn while active.  I'd never had flat-seamed exercise pants before, and I was doubtful that it would really make a difference.  IT DID.  (I do wish the rise on the pants would be a little higher, but that's not a deal-breaker.)  The shirt was very cute and I got plenty of compliments on it.  The only down-side was that it would ride up a little when I lifted my arms, but I know they company has been very active at soliciting feedback, and I'm sure that it'll only get better from there.  Considering how great I felt after the workout - how well it cooled, supported, and wicked away sweat - anything else is gravy!

Here I am, in my AdoraOm outfit, accessorized with Richard in a tutu.

OK.  I feel better for having blogged.  How are you feeling?  Are you taking care of you?

On a roll... and in the kitchen with Salmon Rolls

I cannot begin to tell you how much better I am feeling this week.  I don't fully understand it... the previous several weeks were filled with fatigue, depression, and the less-than-helpful choices that come with fatigue and depression.  I was skipping exercise classes.  I was adding to my portion size.  And I was feeling downright crappy.  I could hardly talk about it - even when I tried.

But I tried to put tiny actions into place... good, healthy ways of self-care.  Solid rest.  Menu-planning.  Healthy snacks in moderation.  Between all of that and the breathing revelation at therapy last week, things just seemed to come together.  Mindful eating, regular exercise, writing, blogging, chores...  I'm on a roll.

A salmon roll, you might say.  Well, maybe I'm not on a salmon roll, but I'm totally eating a salmon roll snack, a few times a week.  I started at the beginning of October, as a way to tuck a little extra protein and veg into my weekend in Palm Springs.  It's simple, quick and tasty, and I liked it so much that I've added it to my repertoire.

All it takes is a little smoked salmon, Laughing Cow Sun-Dried Tomato & Basil, and some fresh crunchy veg.

  

Lay out an ounce of the salmon, and open up one wedge of the cheese.

  

Spread a half of one wedge onto the salmon.

  

Lay one or two strips of crunchy veg at the far end of the fish.

  

Roll it carefully toward you.

  

Wha-la!  You can either eat it as a hand-roll...

  

...or use a serrated knife to carefully slice it like a roulade.  Some of your pieces will be very pretty.

  

Some of your pieces may be pretty ugly.

  

No matter, it's all ending up in the same place!  And it's tasty.  The tomato Laughing Cow reminds me of the sun-dried tomato cream cheese at Noah's Bagels (if you're on the west coast, or Einstein Bros. if you're elsewhere.)  And it's such a quick fix that it makes the perfect pick-me-up in the afternoon.

What is your favorite pick-me-up?  And are you taking care of you?  I hope so!

I stopped breathing.

Last week in therapy, I stopped breathing.

I didn't even realize it.

We were talking about why I think I'm stuck here at 300 (yes, I'm back to 300.  Making it only 66 pounds lost this year.)  We were going over the things that happened when I first hit this weight.

**

It was 2001.  I had just graduated from college.  The end of most people's higher education seems to take the shape of soaring crescendo.  Mine looked like that pathetic "waaah-waaaaah" of a trumpet that signals ineptitude on a game show.  It started looking pretty shaky when my heart was broken (and I mean smashed - and I mean, for years) around semester break, but I pushed through to March for my senior thesis, directing a one-act play by Madeleine George called The Most Massive Woman Wins.  The four wonderful ladies in the cast kept me going, along with my roommate, tech director and all-around best friend, Matt.

But when that was over... well, what did I have left?  No more theater.  No love interest in my life.  No clue what to do after school ended.  And according to my senior audit, I had two more semesters of school left.  Turns out when you're in two different colleges within one big university, they sometimes require 50 extra credits of you, even when you've otherwise fulfilled all of your degree requirements.

There was no final internship or real-world job-search for me after "walking" in my cap and gown.  Instead, I spent the spring and summer in Ann Arbor.  Other than the first and only math of my college career (an advanced statistics class which my adviser mistook for an introductory class) I decided to take a full slate of film classes, because that's what sounded compelling.  (On the up-side, 50 credits of it-doesn't-matter-what-you take did point me in the right direction for my career and eventual move to Los Angeles.)

On my way into that very last final - the inappropriately non-introductory stats - I prayed to any deity that would listen: LET ME OUT OF HERE.  I wanted to get to California immediately, but I had no money.  So after I passed stats-for-not-beginners, I did what haunts the dreams of all college graduates... I moved back in with my parents.

I love my parents.  You know I love my parents.  My parents know I love my parents.  They are terrific people.  They helped me save up money to get a car and a down payment on an apartment, and even loaned me a little extra in case the temp jobs didn't kick in right away.  Despite my mom's ill health and my quest for a career in an industry that's breakneckingly competitive at best, they even encouraged me to follow my dreams.  My dad even drove with me across country with a truck full of my belongings, toward a city thousands of miles away where no job, family, friends or even apartment awaited.   They are/were GREAT PARENTS.

But if you put a 22-year-old, who has lived on her own for four years, back in her parents' house... everybody's in for quite a shock.  Those eight months in Midland were possibly some of my darkest.  I temped as an office assistant at the Company Town's company from 8 to 5, and then I sequestered myself into my childhood bedroom between the hours of 6 and 8 to watch the first syndicated showings of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on a tiny TV.  Around 8, depending on the day, I might or might not have staggered bleary-eyed into the living room.  Or kitchen.  Definitely the kitchen. 

I was lonely.  For my friends.  For Ann Arbor, and all its Culture and its cultures, and everything it represented.  For freakin' sushi.  (Oh, timing -- Midland didn't open its first Japanese restaurant until six months after I moved to LA.)  I was lonely for my freedom.

Wonderful though my parents were, being back in their home meant being back under their rules.  There was a curfew.  There was no heading out to a bar alone, which wasn't my style anyway, but I was desperate for some socializing.  My one close friend in the area was a bride-to-be/on her honeymoon/a newlywed, and though she was lovely and kind, there's only so much wedded bliss a single bridesmaid can take.  Except for Willow and Xander - and they were fictional - I felt very, very alone.  (Side note: little did I know that my future husband felt the exact same way at the exact same time.)

So I ate.  And I ate.  I ate at the first hint of heartbreak in my senior year, ordering the first of many 2 AM deliveries of Pizza House pepperoni breadsticks and milkshakes with my roommate.  I ate during my thesis - a play set in a liposuction clinic - having baked Valentine's cupcakes for no Valentine in particular.  I ate when we found the Girl Scouts special edition Samoa ice cream. ("Please, sir, I want Samoa," we joked.) I ate sushi when I left the Ann Arbor for the last time.  I really ate in Midland.  Fast food.  Slow food.  My parents' food.  My own stash.  Sometimes all in the same night.  Brazenly, not caring who saw me.  Secretly, not wanting to share.  Not wanting to be judged.  I ate.

**

I was finishing this thought when my therapist interrupted me.  "I'm sorry, but I really have to ask you to breathe."


What?

I had been expressing all of that pent-up sadness -- and anger, my therapist tells me -- and I had no idea that I'd been hyperventilating the whole time.  I took a breath.  I tried to make it a deep one.  It seemed impossible.

**

Since my therapy session last week, the concept keeps popping up again and again in my brain.

In my life, I have gained so much weight that I now cannot breathe at night without the help of a machine.

When I binged, I binged until I could hardly breathe.  And I certainly couldn't move well without breathing well.

When I exercise, I exhale.  I breathe out emotional smoke - from the embers of suppressed anger, into which I can so rarely tap.

To fully take care of myself, I must leave enough room to breathe.  In my stomach.  In my schedule.  In my heart.

Today, I will do that by posting on this blog - because holding my words back here is holding me back.  I will do that by planning my food, preparing my food, and eating my food mindfully.  I will do that by sweating at Slimmons, focusing each breath to release of whatever it is inside of me, blocking my progress.

I hope you'll take care of you today.  And I hope you'll breathe.

In the Kitchen... with low-calorie pumpkin dip!

Halloween is the opening bell of holiday eating season.  Mini candy bars and gooey caramel apples make way for a tryptophan-laced monster Thanksgiving buffet, which in turn leads to stockings full of chocolate and peppermint and a neverending spiral of ham (and possibly shame, if that's your game.)

In our house growing up, the one constant between these holidays was the pumpkin, starting with the ghoulishly carved fellows (and the peanut butter/chocolate ones), and finishing with the pie to end all pies, the pumpkin.

We've arrived, people.  Pumpkin-flavored goodies are going to be available around every corner from now until next year.  These days, you can even get hot pumpkin-spiked coffee at every single coffee retailer.  It's inescapable.

Since I'm concentrating on my moderation, and on eating nutritious foods, I figure... why beat those pumpkins when you can join 'em?  Pumpkin, in moderation and with the right ingredients, can be good for you!

Today I have a recipe for you that I have totally fallen for: a low-calorie pumpkin dip that in no way tastes low-calorie, and that will stand up to all of those other calorie-dense, less nutritious recipes.  Everyone who has tried it so far has loved it.  Even friends of mine who are anti-health-food dug in and enjoyed.

 

On top of all that, it's a super-simple recipe, and it doesn't take very long.

Five ingredients - that's all.

  
In your mixer (or in a bowl with a whisk) - combine 1 cup of skim milk with two small boxes of sugar-free vanilla pudding.
 

I used Jell-O brand, but next time I'm going to purchase some Splenda instant pudding
so Tom can enjoy it - and also because Splenda is the lesser of two artificially sweet evils.

Mix it until it's smooth, and about the consistency of cookie dough.

  
Then add the 30-ounce can of pumpkin, and mix for quite awhile.

After a few minutes, it'll still look lumpy with globs of pudding. Eventually it will smooth out. 
Be sure to scrape the bottom of the bowl to fully integrate the pudding into the pumpkin.

 

Once it's smooth, add 1 tablespoon of pumpkin pie spice.

And now, for the fun part!

Spray the entire can of fat-free Reddi Wip into the bowl.  Every last bit.

 

It may be hard to combine the heavy pumpkin with the whipped cream,
so it may be helpful to stop periodically and fold it together.

  

When it's all together, it'll look like a smooth, whippy version of pumpkin pie.
It'll smell like it, too!

  

It's especially delicious with sliced apples.  Also good with graham crackers or sticks - but I've proven time and time again that I cannot keep graham crackers in my house without the floodgates of food addiction opening.  In fact, when I tested this recipe in Palm Springs, I sent the graham crackers home with my friends for their toddler to enjoy.  

Creamy, pumpkiny, yum.

This would be a great, easy dish to bring to, say, a Halloween Potluck.  (Don't do it if you come to ours, though, because I'm already bringing it!)

I'm thinking it might make a great filling for a low-cal pumpkin cream pie for Thanksgiving, or even as filling for pumpkin "ice cream" sandwiches - which my friend Teresa challenged me to perfect.  Or... dare I say... frozen pumpkin cream pie?  Maybe I'll have that recipe for you, soon!

And the best part of all?  Not counting the apples or graham crackers, 1/8 of the very substantial recipe is only 46 CALORIES.

Serves 8.  Serving size looks to be a little bit over a cup.

Of course, eating pumpkin is not the only way to go with my favorite autumnal fruit.  Tonight, I'm attending a pumpkin-carving party!  It's being hosted (and attended) by some phenomenal artists, so I'm a little intimidated, but, hey, I'm sure it'll help those creative juices keep flowing, right?

For inspiration, here's my favorite pumpkin I've ever carved, two years ago alongside Tom, his mom Jean, and my dad.

I call it "Sometimes They Eat Their Young."

All right!  Hope you're all having fun getting ready for Halloween.  I'll be back tomorrow with some great news for active plus-sized ladies in search of great workout gear.  'Til then, take care of you!

Supper Club 600: Garden-to-Table Edition

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of co-hosting an event with some of my closest friends in the city, Lisa and Chris.  I've known them for the better part of my time in California, and they've enriched my life in so many ways -- our "Supper Club 600: Garden-to-Table Edition" party being the latest one.

One of the veggie "crate labels" I photoshopped for event decoration, using an existing historical label as the basis.

  
When Lisa started her own urban garden this year, and began to blog about it (with her partner-in-grime, Amy) at Urb Garden Girls, I have to admit I felt the tiniest flush of jealousy.  I don't have the space to grow garden food, though I grew up with one in my backyard.  So when Lisa approached me with the idea of a dinner party that would bring the freshness of their garden straight to a community table, I was thrilled.

Another crate label. A doozy - this one used to say "Irma," not "Lisa."

  
Soon Chris offered to join in with a contribution from his own blog, The Enlightened Hedonist.  Chris is always seeking a way to enrich his life through thoughtful pleasure.  He recently described my mindful eating as my own personal enlightened hedonism - and I realized he's right!  My journey has been very much about keeping the enjoyment of food while being mindful about it.  Something that brings Chris pleasure is creative mixology, so he came up with two signature cocktails for the evening, also made with ingredients from his garden.  You can read more about it in his blog entry, here.

Lisa tended her garden - much like she tends her friendships - with care.  So she encouraged friends to donated the fruits of their own urban gardens - eggs, avocados, lemons, apples - as well as a beautiful location for our meal.  And I took that bountiful harvest (along with supplemental ingredients from my favorite farmer's market) and whipped it into a feast for 24!

Our buffet-style garden feast.

 Lisa and Amy decorated for the party, which we held in the backyard of their friend Christy's house.  And thank goodness - I love well-decorated events, but when I'm cooking for a big crowd, I just can't manage it myself.  Thanks to them, it turned out beautifully.

The decorated table, with vintage linens from Lisa's collection, as well as candles, sunflowers, and my crate labels.

  
 I was especially unable to decorate (or photograph... thanks to Rochelle for all of these pictures) because Tom had fallen ill and could not join me for cooking duty.  Originally we'd planned for him not to be there due to his work schedule, so luckily I had two sous-chefs to help me - Keith and Alexa.

The three of us, done with cooking for the day!

A serving of the harvest spoils, plus one of Chris' cocktails (calories extra.)

Chris at his "bar," a gardening table.

Baked apples for dessert - with Reddi Wip (which was within the calories) or Brown Butter Sage ice cream (which wasn't.)

  
I don't have a good picture of it, but we were also treated to an after-dinner apertif, fresh apple-carrot-ginger juice pressed by Amy.  It was, honestly, my favorite part of the meal! 

Each guest was sent home with a goodie bag with extra produce from the gardens.

  

Isn't Lisa's dress cute? And she MADE her rooster/tin-roof earrings.  She talks about them,
and the whole day, on her jewelry blog, Inspired Adornments.

It turned out to be a beautiful day, with delicious fresh food and drinks, and wonderful friends.  I'm so grateful to be a part of my community, and so happy we were able to celebrate together.

Which we did, by twinkle-light, well into the evening.

  
I'll be back tomorrow with some recipes from the party - and some fashion details from it, too.  Until then, please take care of you!

Weigh-in Tuesday

Yet another less-than-stellar weigh-in this Tuesday.  I'm up one pound from my last weigh-in, making it 69 pounds lost.  (I was at 297 a few weekends ago, and my friend Erik asked me if I just wanted to stay there for perpetuity because of the amusing number, which I do not.)

Am I bummed? Of course I'm bummed.  But I made it through two big weeks for me.

The first of those weeks was spent dealing with some considerable emotional stress (which I navigated quite well in terms of food), then preparation for vacation, and then four days in Palm Springs.  Tom and I, along with a group of friends, rent a house there every October.  It's always a time of creativity and refreshment.

I did art journaling every day we were there. This was my favorite.

It's always one of culinary pleasures, too.  I went in feeling a bit anxious about eating. Everyone usually brings a ton of snack food, and I don't keep snack food in my house. While processed salty and sweet snacks are typically small in size, if you put enough of it together, you can end up eating twice as many calories in an hour as you needed all day. On top of that, each couple takes a turn cooking breakfast or a dinner while we're there... which means that if I choose to go along with our plans, my nutrition is in someone else's hands.  And I don't know if you can tell by reading this blog, but I rarely - if ever - put my nutrition in someone else's hands.

Lucky for me, I have some very thoughtful friends who either made food that was healthier than our standard fare, or who warned me that they would not be (so I'd know to provide for myself.)  With very few exceptions, I was able to eat in moderation, and supplement with my own fruits, veggies and protein.  And over four days, I kept the snacks down to one fun-size candy bar, a few triscuits, an ounce of peanuts, and an ounce of candy corn.  (Considering what else was there and how much of it there was, I feel pretty proud of that.) And while those processed snacks probably played into the weight gain, I'm doing my best to be patient with myself.

The second week - last week - was spent laid flat with an unpleasant coldy-flu bug that specialized in body-aches and sinus pain.  Having just returned from vacation, the kitchen was a mess and Tom was working his usual crazy hours so he wasn't around to pitch in with cleaning or cooking (except late at night.)  In my exhausted state, I ordered delivery comfort food - lots of salty soup, lots of bread.  There was typically veg in the soup and I got fruit from watered-down OJ I was using to hydrate and load Vitamin C... but it was still unbalanced.

In discussing it with my therapist, she pointed out that I had trouble when I was feeling ill after my surgery, too.  It may be when my willpower is weakest, so we put a plan together for keeping a stash of very easy-to-prepare foods at the ready for the next time I'm ill.  I need microwaveable soups, frozen dinners, anything that I can make quickly and help me balance and stay moderate when I have a harder time making that decision.



As my strength returned, so did my desire to put my nutrition back in my hands.

One of the first things I did, as soon as I felt well enough, was to art journal this to remind myself of it.

And I'm taking that effort.  It feels great.  

I'm back to Slimmons tonight, for the first time since Palm Springs.  I did exercise well on vacation - I swam for at least 45 minutes every day, and did free weights and floor work every other day.  But I haven't exercised much since I got sick.  I'm sure the usual 90 minutes with Richard will be grueling... but that's how you get strong, after all.


On another note, I keep seeing a couple of different images on Pinterest that sound like an easy quick-fix for weight loss.  Negative-calorie foods!

Except for one thing... there's no scientific evidence to prove it, and a fair amount to disprove it.  The mostly widely purported "negative-calorie" food is celery, which - according to Wikipedia, if you trust it - only requires 10% of its energy to digest.  That means 90% of its energy stays with you - hardly negative.


One of the lists - which I can't locate now (the trouble with Pinterest) - claimed that honeydew melon has negative calories.  I actually responded to that link, to let them know that not only does honeydew have more calories than cantaloupe, it has less nutritive value.  

Is it better for us to eat honeydew - in moderation - instead of, say, toffee?  For damn sure.  But it's in no way calorie-free, let alone calorie-negative.  And fruit, while it has terrific nutrient value, is still high in sugar, and should be consumed in moderation.  (Like anything else.)


Goes to show that my friend Honest Abe was right all along...

Do your research before you trust something you read... and take care of you!

Weigh-in Tuesday: Yeah. I did it.

Yeah.

I did it.

296.  Two pounds down from last week, for a total of 70 pounds.  That's, like, 7 bags of flour.  At once.

Even though I wasn't posting much last week, I stayed committed to the food plan I wrote about a week ago:

• I cooked every meal (except for three I planned to eat out - and which fit into my calorie plan.)
• Every meal was different.  No duplicates, no leftovers, no boredom.
• I photographed each one.
• I exercised 5 times.

Although I didn't get to sharing them here, the acts of careful planning, preparation, and photography helped me break away from the great food-fight I'd been having with myself. "You want this.  No you don't.  Yes you do.  No you don't, and that's that."  I was still making good choices, but I was losing a lot of energy fighting.

After a week of solid mindful eating, the fight seemed to disappear.  So much so that yesterday, when I was in full-on HALT mode (and somehow managed to be simultaneously extremely hungry, extremely angry, extremely lonely and VERY extremely tired) I chose grilled salmon and salad instead of any of the myriad things that would have helped me temporarily numb my emotions.  And that feels like even more of a success than breaking through my plateau.

When I have a little more time, I may share some of those photos... or I may keep them and share some of the recipes I came up with, because they're definitely worth trying!

I'm vacationing this weekend, and before I do, I'll be sharing a recap and recipes from this weekend's Supper Club event, as well as sharing a little bit about how me and my body are... getting along.  Sort of.  Keep an eye out here for the next couple of days, because I'm looking forward to sharing it all with you.  And in the meanwhile - keep taking care of you. 

Weigh-in Tuesday: What I Ate Today

Happy Tuesday, everybody. 

And like every Tuesday, it's weigh-in day.  And I'm happy.  You may be confused by this - especially since I am about to tell you that I am actually up a pound, back at 299.

But I'm happy.  About a few things, even.  I'm happy that it's not in the 300s.  I'm happy that I'm on this journey.  And I'm happy that I feel like I'm hitting my stride again.

I know - I know.  Heidi, you are up a pound.  How are you hitting your stride?

Well, I had a few challenges this weekend... mostly having to do with feeling lonely, and the ensuing depression, and as a result, eating a few larger-than-they-needed-to-be meals that I didn't cook myself.  Since Tom's now on 14-hour days, plus 9 hours each weekend day, I'm on my own a lot.  And if there's no one in my immediate vicinity to check in with, I have a harder time keeping those meals in check. 

Since Tom started working away at his current gig, I'd also been cooking a batch of food at the beginning of the week that I would dole out for lunches.  Tom is - in my opinion - the more gifted cook between us (though I'm getting better!) and when we were both working from home, he handled all of our lunches and dinners (other than my own protein, since he doesn't eat it.)  The trouble is that I get easily bored.  And lunches all year were our "special" meal - we usually made them larger and with more variety. 

But, yes - I have hit my stride again.  I did this in a few different ways:

• When I sat down to plan my food for the week, I decided I'd try to cook a different breakfast, lunch and dinner,  from Monday to Friday.  
• Putting a solid schedule together with time set aside for cooking has helped me put some structure back into my day, which was increasingly getting away from me.  
• Since I struggled with my accountability last week, I decided I'd also photograph each meal this week, and share them here.  (I'll even post brief photo entries on Saturday and Sunday to keep up my momentum.)
• My core problem - loneliness - isn't fixed by hermit-like behavior.  The more I skulk around in my own shell, the more depressed I become.  So I've been making an effort to be more social this week.  My dad and I are doing daily check-in caalls to discuss our food.  I went to a crafting day on Sunday, I had a Skype date with Rena on Monday, a picnic date with Audra today, and there's a Thursday lady-date with Patty and Alexa.  Plus three separate social occasions this upcoming weekend. 
• A byproduct of shell-skulking is negative self-talk.  It has been my natural state for a long time, and even when I feel like I've mastered it, it happens again before I can even realize I'm doing it.  I'm back to acknowledging myself when I catch negative self-talk, and curbing it as soon as I do.  Man, it helps.
• And, a never-fail pick-me-up: exercise.  I did well last week (5 workouts) and I'm planning to beat that this week.

I'm feeling happier, I'm taking more action, and I'm taking better care of me. 

Here's what I ate on Monday:

1 slice whole-grain toast, 1 tb fat-free ricotta mixed with a splash of sugar-free almond Torani, sliced nectarine.

Boiled egg.

6 oz skim milk, vitamins & meds.

Light tortilla with 4 oz grilled turkey burger with 1 Laughing Cow wedge and pickles.
1 turnip, baked - with ketchup.  1 plum.  Water.

1 small baked potato with 1 tsp Earth Balance and 2 tb TJ's fat free sour cream. (Best 15 calories ever.)

2 cups of steamed broccoli with lemon.

Not pictured: 64 oz water, 1 Sobe LifeWater Zero, 1 donut.  (Yes. Sue me.)

Calorie total for the day: 1340. With donut.


**

OK.  I'm on track.  How are you?  Anything we can talk about, to help you get there?  To help you take care of you?