Tuesday, February 21, 2012

At long last, Weigh-In Tuesday

It's Weigh-In Tuesday - or WIT, if you will - and I don't feel like I have any good wit to offer today.  But here I am, for the second consecutive day, writing anyway.

Now that it's day 2 of my TV fast, I'm beginning to run out of cleaning projects, so I'm going to have to get more creative.  This is exactly what the fast is designed to do - drag me kicking and screaming from my stasis.  But it's mental fists a-flyin' while I try to punch my way out of my rut.

Wanna guess what else is in a rut?   The scale.  The holiday season was tough, but I thought I got through it OK.  When I hopped back on the scale upon my return, it was up ten pounds from before I left.  That is a terrifying feeling - knowing how hard you've worked to move in one direction, and how long it took.  And seeing it reverse in a matter of days.  I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I didn't like it.

I've lost about four pounds since that weigh-in.  My progress is compounded, I'm sure, by the lack of exercise.  As I've mentioned before, I've haven't been exercising (flu, depression, flu, simultaneous surgery recovery and depression) all year with the exception of one week between the first depression and the second flu.  And I am STILL not healed enough to work out today.  It's really bugging me that it's taking so long.

Food hasn't been ideal, either.  Not terrible, but not mindful.  It's been a little too erratic -- waiting too long to eat and getting too hungry, for instance.  I'd indulge in a craving moderately, but indulge another craving the next day.  That adds up.  So although I'm down from where I was at the beginning of the year, I feel frustrated with myself.  And when I feel frustrated with myself, I talk shit about myself.

Hell, I talk shit about myself even when I feel good.  An example.  This Christmas, I had a blast playing Just Dance III with my nieces and nephews.  It was great to get moving after holiday meals, and dancing is such a playful way to connect with family.  I was kicking butt (I am seriously good at it) and after awhile, I got warm and wanted to remove my jacket.  But it meant that I'd be shaking my arms to the beat, and I know what that looks like in the mirror... I spent three days a week at Slimmons last year, watching my arms jiggle in the mirror.  And as I lost progressively more weight, the jiggling didn't get better... it got worse.  You see "before/after" pictures everywhere you turn (lately even on billboards) but you don't hear so much about the challenges of skin and sagging.  Which, with 70(-minus-twelve) pounds lost, are now my challenges.  So, as I took off my jacket, I tried to make a joke about it.  "OK, everybody.  Flying squirrel alert!"  I got some puzzled looks, so I explained that my upper arms sag, that if I jumped, I could fly like a flying squirrel.  I expect laughs.  All I got was some firm eye contact from my niece M, who pointedly asked me to cut out the negative self-talk. So wise for a thirteen-year-old.

It hit me hard.  It's true... sometimes I make jokes about myself, and it's one way I can make light of life when it's challenging.  But it's also one way I can tear myself down.  And I need to stop tearing myself down.

That's why, this week, I'm working on building myself up.  Turning off the TV and the phone.  Cooking and savoring healthy and nourishing meals. Writing, on the blog and for my portfolio. Centering. Generally turning on the creative juices.  Or trying to summon them, at least.  I still feel stifled and just plain off... but less so than last week. Little steps are still progress.

The best I've felt so far was last night, when - after a long day of laundry and showtunes - I decided to decorate a pretty shelf we mounted last fall.  I loaded it up with my Disneyland collection.  It was a creative act, and a little out of my ordinary, and it felt... satisfying. 

Thanks again, Dad, for helping us mount the shelf.

Annotated version, for the nerds.

I hope you will you do something that satisfies you today.  Something that helps you take care of you.


  1. I love your wall shelf! I love the way it breaks up the shelves with different levels. And it's got Disney things! You have a good eye for this.

    I also think it's good that you recognize the issue of skin as you lose weight. When I worked in a nursing home, we had one patient who had mental hang-ups about excess skin and the necessity for surgery if she lost the weight, so she wouldn't mentally allow herself to lose it. That's why she was in the nursing home- so she would be forced to stick to her diet and lose the weight she so desperately needed to. So I'm glad you're looking at it more head-on, so the fear doesn't hide in the closet and sabotage you blindly.

  2. Yay! Building yourself back up can be fun! Stick to it. Oh, here's a building block - you are one of the most amazing, loving, funny, fun-loving, generous, beautiful, sincere, and compassionate people I've ever met, and it's a pleasure and honor to know you.

    Now, your turn!

  3. Ah, yes and so very our dear M. She is right at every level about that. As her coach says a great one to have on your team. Love you. Keep working it through. You are getting there.

  4. I love you Aunt Heidi!! I am glad to be inspirational...I am so flattered! I need to call you sometime soon so you can give me that list of movies, and give me advice for my play. Love, the mysterious M :)

  5. Good wisdom in this post. I was obsessed with Cinderella when I was a little girl -maybe because I had 2 older half sisters and we were always fighting. I was also dreaming of a prince. I still have my Cinderella watch from the 60's.

  6. Thanks for being so honest about yourself and life's struggles. So much like a certain SAP. I LOVE your sense of humor but not when you turn it against yourself. So the flying squirel art while funny and lovable, (he needs to be a character in your portfolio) is not you. I see you more as the Tinkerbell princess, flying above and seeing more of the world. I to saw myself dancing, as an early teenager, and I thought that I looked so bad that for years I would not dance until my true love proved other wise. So ask your true love, I am sure he sees the princess in you.

  7. I love your Disney shelf! Carousel of Progress is one of my favorite rides...though everyone thinks I'm crazy.

    As for the negative self-talk, I'm the same way. I would have made a similar joke. I guess that's something we both need to work on.

  8. What a smart 13-year-old! :)
    Glad you're feeling better. Shelf looks great, and don't even worry about the weight. It's a time of learning, and you'll take it off soon! <3 Take care!

  9. Hey Heidi I'm glad that you have such great and supportive people around you to help you achieve your goals. I haven't talked to you in a long time, we should correct that. I always love reading your posts they always inspire me.