Bringer of War

Yesterday I talked about how fake baked goods tempts me to eat real baked goods... and how that reminded me of a short film I wrote a few years ago.  The script is pretty brief, so I decided to post it in its entirety here.

There are two thoughts behind this short film.  One, that moderation is possible.  And two, that cupcakes are haunting.

(Photo AND cupcake by Flickr user mm550366)

So, without further ado...

BRINGER OF WAR

© 2011 Heidi Powers

INTERIOR - KITCHEN
An retro-kitsch TEAPOT sits on the table in a cozy breakfast  nook, where LIZ, tall and plump, sits with her roommate SANDRA, petite and sinewy.  The two ladies sip their tea. 

LIZ  
No, that's what I told him.  I said I wasn't going to go out

with him until he asked me on a date - a real date - with 

more than an hour's notice. 

SANDRA  
Well, good for you! Ballsy. 

  LIZ  
I really do like him, though. 

  SANDRA  
And he knows it? 

  LIZ  
Well... yeah. I think. I'm not sure. 

  SANDRA 
  But he didn't ask you out after that? 

  LIZ  
He sort of did.  He told me to clear my evening next 

Wednesday, when he's back in the office.  More tea?  

SANDRA  
Sure, thanks.

Liz tops off their teacups.

SANDRA  
So, Mr. Nerdy I.T. on Wednesday! 

  LIZ  
But he didn't tell me what we were doing.  For all I know 

he just needs another person for his RPG.

She stands and crosses to the refrigerator, grabbing a carton of milk.

SANDRA  
Oh, I hope it's something nice!  Then I can live 

vicariously through your geek love!  

LIZ  
Don't jinx things!  Geek crush, that's all. 

She pauses to consider the fridge.

LIZ (CONTINUED)  
Hey, I have cupcakes. Want one? 
  SANDRA What?  No.  

LIZ  
(Teasingly)  
They're fancy... Madagascar bourbon vanilla...   

SANDRA  
I don't care if the vanilla is so rare and precious that it had to 

pass through a monkey's intestines.  No thanks.  

LIZ  
Well I wouldn't want to eat one if it had. But I'm pretty sure 

a monkey didn't poop any of the ingredients, because this is sugar bliss.   

SANDRA  
Maybe I was thinking of coffee beans.  

LIZ  
What? 

  SANDRA  
Those coffee beans that the monkeys... defecate.

Liz pulls a cupcake from the box and places it on a saucer.  She crosses back to the nook, sits down and begins to nibble at it.

LIZ  
Such an appetizing conversation for teatime.  Thank you!

SANDRA
Are you actually eating one of those?

LIZ
Sure, why not?

SANDRA
Well... for one thing, you have a date on Wednesday...

LIZ
He knows what I look like.

SANDRA
Yeah, but you know how it goes. You can't eat just one.

LIZ
Uh, yeah you can.  It's called "moderation."

SANDRA
So what are you going to do with the other cupcakes?

LIZ
Cupcake.  Singular.

SANDRA
What will you do with it?

LIZ
Uh, I dunno.  Give it to someone else?
 

SANDRA
I worry about you.

LIZ
Well, thanks for thinking of me.
I'm OK. 

They sip their tea in silence for a moment.  It's awkward. And Sandra can't hold it in.

SANDRA  
You're going to eat the cupcake.  

LIZ  
I'm not going to eat the cupcake. 

SANDRA  
When I go out later, you won't be able to resist. 

  LIZ 
  I'm NOT going to eat the cupcake.  

SANDRA 
  It will taunt you.  Every time you open the fridge 

you will smell Madagascar bourbon vanilla!  And you 

will be powerless to stop it.  

LIZ  
Is that how you see this? A demonic cupcake is on 

the loose and there's no escaping it?

 

Sandra considers this for just a moment until we...

CUT TO:
INTERIOR - KITCHEN

It's the same kitchen from the first scene, but now it is empty, and shot in black and white to signify that we are in SANDRA AND LIZ'S IMAGINATION.

Slowly and quietly, we hear the ominous tones of Gustav Holst's MARS, THE BRINGER OF WAR as it thumps militantly, driving the camera as it pushes ever nearer the REFRIGERATOR.  Something is dreadfully wrong.

The fridge seems to open of its own volition.  We back up to follow the light pouring out from the door as it oozes down and across the tiles.  Until it brushes the edge of something and reveals - no.. it's too horrible.  We can't look... it's...

The CUPCAKE.  We close in at its eye level.  If it had eyes. In the light of day, it might look perfectly innocent. Lucious, even, with its creamy frosting, its playful sprinkles.

But in the harsh glare of the refrigerator light, it seems downright menacing.  Is it... it couldn't be.  Is it... glaring at us?

Through a series of shots, we discover that the cupcake is on the move with steely resolve.  Hard shadows dance across its face as it stealthily sneaks toward the edge of the kitchen.

It peeks around the corner, through the doorway, at something we can't see. 

INTERIOR - LIVING ROOM

Liz sits serenely, reading a magazine.  She smiles thoughtfully and turns the page.  Not a care in the world.

INT - DOORWAY
The cupcake has moved through, a bit, onto a table near the door.  It fills the screen, for the most part, except an indistinguishable blur in the background.  The focus pulls to reveal that the blur is LIZ.  The cupcake has her in its sites. It nods at her, knowingly.

INT - LIVING ROOM
Liz looks up from her magazine.  She can sense that something isn't right - she has goosebumps and doesn't know why.  She begins to look forward, left and right, for something - she doesn't know what.  As the music builds, we suddenly realize that the cupcake has come up behind her - the sneaky bastard.

A Hitchcock-style dolly zoom on Liz as she screams silently in horror - she has discovered the impending doom of the cupcake on her shoulder.  But she recovers her senses enough to rise and RUN!

INT - KITCHEN
She pulls around the nearest corner, back into the kitchen.  She catches her breath.

INT - LIVING ROOM
Like a horror movie monster, the cupcake slowly and  persistently pursues her.

INT - KITCHEN
Liz scrambles for something - anything- to use as a weapon. Salt shaker?  Spatula?  Aha: jagged, pointy, yes!  A FORK!

She seizes it.

She peeks around the corner to assess the situation.
 
INT - LIVING ROOM
Liz's POV.  The cupcake has drawn closer.

INT - KITCHEN.
Liz looks anxious.  She peeks around the corner again.

INT - LIVING ROOM
Liz's POV.  The cupcake - like a ninja - has moved closer once again.

INT - KITCHEN
This is agony.  But she can't wait any longer. She slides onto the doorway floor, face-on with the cupcake.  She wields her fork and stabs it.  A success!

But - wait. The cupcake, brutalized, is nodding again, with the same knowing confidence.  Suddenly Liz looks down at her weapon... it's a forkful of cupcake.  She played right into its hands.  If it had hands.

Liz looks resolved.  This isn't her time.  She flings the fork away from her, towards the refrigerator, and slams the kitchen door in the cupcake's crumbled face.  She sinks against the
cupboards.

With a sudden shift in the music, the refrigerator door opens again, but this time, a dashing but pompous BABY CARROT marches out and onto the floor.  He examines the cupcake carnage and the discarded weapon.  Tut tut - something's afoot.  He summons another carrot to his tactical meeting, and
another - until suddenly they become a whole carrot army.  And they're on the march.

The carrot soldiers shimmy up a table leg and march across the table at Liz's eye level, as she watches them from her spot on the floor.

Liz instinctively climbs up and into the chair at the back of the table, putting the protective front-line of beta carotene between her and the door.

The barricade spreads out just in time.  Against all odds, the cupcake - war-torn and haggard - has made it through and up to the other end of the table, opposite Liz.  The carrots steel themselves.

The two sides battle.  The carrots are in the shit.  Frosting carnage spreads, fallen carrots pile, and still the army isn't giving up.  But just when things are looking brighter, the cupcake makes a hail-mary play: it hurls itself, slow-motion, through the air... right at LIZ.  This is the end, folks...

Or not!  From seemingly nowhere, Sandra leaps into the shot, into the air, across the table, waving her hands. 

SANDRA (in slow-motion) 
  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

Her open mouth collides with the cupcake as we -

JUMP-CUT TO

INT - KITCHEN
We're back in reality, again.  And Sandra has frosting all over her face.  She looks sheepish.

LIZ  
How's the cupcake?  

SANDRA  
(mouth full)  
It's... good.   
(She pauses. Awkwardly.)  
Thanks.