I could have gone to the refrigerator. It would have been a challenge, but I could have cobbled together something crappy out of the healthy ingredients that we use in moderation. I could at least have eaten the batch of frozen cake pops that I made specifically to help me practice moderation.
I could have ordered food delivery, as was my frequent custom when something stung and I didn't want to deal with it. I could have eaten in one meal more than I ate for the four days. Pretty easily. The calories stack up when oil and cheese are involved at the levels of pizza or artichoke dip.
I could have gone out for fast food, even though my taste for it is long gone, even though I wasn't really hungry for it or for anything else - just for the numbness that I used to feel after eating. I could have gotten a side of mayonnaise for my fries. What? It's European.
I could have stuffed my feelings in so I didn't have to say that I was sad. So that I didn't have to admit that I'm sensitive. So that I didn't have to cry - and it's so damned easy for me to cry. Or I could have lashed out, I could have returned the pain in full.
I could have thrown away three full months I've spent taking care of myself. I could have gained back the weight I lost last week, and maybe even the week before.
But I didn't.
I weighed in this morning. I lost four more pounds last week.
Three months. 41 pounds.
I am 41% of the way to my first goal. And I haven't done this alone. I'd like to thank Tom in particular, for being so kind and supportive. I'd like to thank my friends and family, for listening and for not judging. And I'd like to thank everyone who is reading. Sharing my journey helps me stay on this journey, and I appreciate each of you for coming along with me.
Good job! Great resolve! Four pounds is fabulous!
ReplyDeleteYay, I'm so damn fucking proud of you. Discipline means sticking to your mission - when it's tough, not just when it's easy.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, you need a new coping mechanism. Personally, I recommend crying your eyes out. What's wrong with that? Feel the emotion. It's usually over with once you feel it thoroughly.
If that's not your cup of tea, find something else - ya know, that doesn't spread the hurt to others.
Oh, and a trick for dealing with unwanted emotions: Every emotion has a corresponding physical sensation. A tightening of the jaw, a tinge in your solar plexus. Find the corresponding sensation and fixate on it for a few seconds. The emotion magically disappears. Works like a charm - - if you really don't want to feel the emotion. Really feeling it also gets rid of it, but takes longer (sometimes way longer).
Kudos to you, and my ditto thanks to Tom!
Way to go. And Maddie and I were just talking about mayo on fries the other day. I lived in Germany and that's what you get.
ReplyDeleteI'm very inspired following along on your journey and so very happy for your success!
Lanae - thank you! And thanks especially for being one of my first followers. :)
ReplyDeleteZliKiSm - I have really appreciated having your feedback. It's hard to do this in a vacuum, and I never feel that way with you responding. I do indeed need a different coping mechanism than food, and it was indeed crying. It's the first way emotion comes out, I just feel embarrassed about it.
Katiesue - Thank you! I'm so glad to have you and Madz as friends.
Four pounds is fantastic. When I am aggravated, exercise does the trick. Not sure if I just plain tire myself out or it's something else but even a long walk helps.
ReplyDeleteYou and Tom look great. Keep going! Amazing.
Awesome! No other words are necessary except so proud of you and Tom!
ReplyDeleteSo proud of you and Tom keep up the great work and yes food is used for many things and we just need to know why!!! thanks for sharing with us all and know it does help other people to know they are not alone. Love you both.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading on my Google Reader lately, so I'm not sure when you changed your header, but I LIKE IT!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the 4 pounds!
See you Thursday (I presume)
That's amazing! Congratulations on losing the 4 pounds, and even more congrats on being SO STRONG!
ReplyDeleteAt the moment we are faced with these decisions, they seem so hard, but once we make those good decisions we are better for it, and we will have that knowledge to draw on in the face of more decisions. They do get easier eventually, with a stack of good choices behind us!
AWESOME job this week!
This thread needs a love button.
ReplyDeleteLOVE!
So, so proud of you.
I'm so excited for you and so proud of you. I believe that habits and coping mechanisms are built over years and years of making one choice at a time. You're changing your habits and coping one choice at a time too--each choice makes you that much stronger and that much closer to a new life. Sending you big hugs!
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