This week has been a little bit taxing for me.
For one thing, the weather has been gross in Los Angeles. Right at this moment, it is 93 degrees. Tuesday the high was 98. Yesterday, 96. Thank heavens it's going to cool off next week, because I don't think I can handle another heat wave this year. It makes Slimmons feel like a sauna, and I get nauseous after working out. It makes our air conditioner cry. Literally. The condensation is dripping all over our bathroom floor. (Yes, that's where our central AC unit is. No, I don't know why they put it there!) It makes me weary and cranky.
I am full up on weather.
For another thing, I seem to have lost my mojo. I usually have such fire and passion for whatever I'm working on. This week, I got nothin'. I managed to clean and launder in preparation for Dad's visit, and surely, that is an undertaking when the weather is gross and your laundry is backlogged and your cat has been having accidents. But Supper Club is two days away, and I am way behind on preparation... and yet, I can't seem to light that fire under my rump. (It probably doesn't help that it's roasting.) Since I'm a freelancer, I am solely responsible for my fiery rump. Nobody else is going to light it for me.
But I'm full up on self-motivation.
Last, but not least, I am full up on food. I don't know what it was... whether my dip below 300 pounds is somehow threatening to my subconscious status-quo... whether I was feeling drained because of the heat, and thus more emotional... or whether it was just my addiction rearing up. But twice this week, I overate. And I somehow did it both knowingly and unthinkingly.
This summer, Tom and I discovered (and fell in love with) Louis CK's show, Louie, on FX. It's not for everybody, but it's definitely for us. After we streamed the first season on Netflix, we wanted to catch up on his various stand-up specials. So last night we watched part of Chewed Up.
Louis is overweight, and he tells stories about his experience that are honest and side-splittingly funny. And if you have behavioral eating problems, those stories are also painful and very, very familiar.
I'm going to embed audio of the special below... but it's definitely Not Safe For Work, and also Not Safe For Delicate Ears. If your ears are tender, you should probably skip listening.
The line that really pierced me was:
"And [my doctor] is trying to get a handle on my eating habits. He's like, 'Dude, OK, look. How soon into a meal do you typically feel full and stop eating?' I'm like, 'I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. That's when I stop.'"
Yep. I've been there. I was there not once, but twice this week. That, my friends, is not taking care of myself. That is leaning on my addiction as a way to punish myself.
And I am full up on punishing myself.
So how do I stop it? I have been very good about mindful eating, and stopping at 'full' all year, so I have a pretty good routine established. I wake up and follow that routine, and it's usually not a problem. I'll never be a perfect.. anything. Let alone a perfect eater. But I want to be sure that taking care of me is always the priority.
It's been a few days since that last binge, and I haven't made a misstep since. There's another misstep waiting in my future, but my goal is to talk it out as soon as I feel it coming on. Calling Tom or another one of my supportive loved ones always helps me to sort out whatever emotion I'm trying to numb. And if I'm not successful? Well, I'll be honest about it with all of you, and I'll do my best to remember not only that every day is a new day, but that every moment is a new moment. No need to wait for tomorrow if you make one mistake today.
So I'll take care of me... and you take care of you... and we'll keep doing the best we can.