Oh, it didn't seem so bad at first.
At Tender Greens: "That rustic plum tart is made with wholesome, real ingredients. And we're celebrating Tom's new job! That's OK."
But it went on from there.
At Brite Spot: "We never come here anymore. I ate a healthy, mindful meal. And I'm avoiding the banana cream pie. It's OK to share a banana cupcake."
At a friend's birthday party: "It's her birthday. I'm not going to not eat birthday cake. And that's... ok, right?"
And then it got worse.
At a stitch-n-bitch: "Well, geez. Cream pie is haunting me. It's here. It looks good. I'll have a small slice."
Yesterday while running errands: "Oh, screw it. I've already messed up my weekly weigh-in. And Tom is not here and I'm tired and I'm hungry and I'm right outside Yummy Cupcakes. Might as well have one."
The truth is that each dessert would have fit into my plan... if I'd chosen one of them. I should've just planned for birthday cake at the party. Or had the tart and passed on everything else. But I didn't.
It's not the end of the world, and I'm not going to flagellate myself for overindulging. I'm just going to take it easy on refined sugar, and work on the one response from the list above that worries the most: "Oh, screw it. I've already messed up my weekly weigh-in."
I'm going to repeat what I've said here before, for my own benefit: my healthy choices do not revolve around my weekly weigh-in. And this is, in part, why. I don't ever want my weigh-in to be an excuse to penalize myself. If my eating isn't perfectly balanced, I should not (and do not want to) binge as punishment. Nor do I want to eat healthfully as punishment. I want to eat healthfully because it makes me feel good, it helps my body feel stronger and move better. I want to eat healthfully because it makes my life better. I want to eat healthfully because I am worth it.
So. Today I'm going to list 6 reasons I'm worth it, to help encourage me on my way.
- I am worth it because I've come so far.
Already in the past seven months, I've seen how taking care of my body, my mind and my spirit has led to incredible growth, physical strength, mental focus, and not least of all, happiness. I have proven to myself that this process can be filled with joy. And it's OK for me to feel that joy.
- I am worth it because I have so far to go.
That incredible growth still has room for further - even exponential - growth. I have lost 65 (well, 64 again as of today) pounds and yet I am still morbidly obese. Am I healthier than I've ever been? Damn straight. Can I become healthier, more centered, stronger? Damn straight. It's feasible. I am capable of it. And I want to pursue the lifelong progress of improved health.
- I am worth it because I'm a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, a good wife.
As a compassionate person, my loved ones matter deeply to me. The way I treat my loved ones matters to me. I want to be the best friend, sister, daughter, wife... that I can possibly be. And the best way I can do that is to keep myself strong and healthy. I want to be there for them.
- I am worth it because I want to be a good mother someday.
Right now, I'm not ready yet - physically or mentally. Before my body (may) let me be a mother, I need to physically prepare - through continual healthy progress. And before my brain will let me be a mother, I need to mentally prepare. I do not want to be a parent who continues the cycle of disordered eating. I want to teach my child the joys of healthy food in moderation - and I can't do that while I'm still learning.
- I am worth it because I have stories to tell. I have lots of stories to tell. I have true stories to tell, here on the blog. I have food stories to tell, through Supper Club 600. And when it comes to fictional stories, Tom and I share a book of 130 plot ideas we've developed, for stories to tell through film, television, and novels. I want to tell these stories, and keep telling them, for as long as I can. And in order to do that... I need to take good care of myself.
- I am worth it because I believe everyone is worth it.
Each of us deserves happiness. And I know we can work together to support our journeys to success. I believe in everyone's capacity for growth - especially when hard work backs up that growth. And I have to remind myself that I can't believe in everyone having worth... without acknowledging my own worth. I am worth this. So are you.
That's it for today. Thanks for being here, even when I'm not on track full-force. I'm an addict - to a substance that I need in order to survive - so I'll have to deal with roller coasters my whole life. The key is to realize that I'm on that coaster, and get off as soon as I do. So today, I'm standing outside the roller coaster photo booth, missing the sugar air-time, but feeling kind of glad to have my feet on the ground. I'm taking care of me. I hope you'll take care of you, too.